EXCERPT: Help Me Destroy Cannes! by Jonathan L. Howard

Jonathan L. Howard is an author and scriptwriter, the creator of the Johannes Cabal, Russalka Chronicles, and Goon Squad series. He lives in the English West Country with his wife and daughter, and Cannes will suffer his wrath.

HELP ME DESTROY CANNES!

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At last, a plan to remove the horrible blight of Cannes from the world. It will work, but I need your pledges!

Video Transcript

Hi, crowdfunders! My name’s Daniel Franklin, and I’m here to talk to you about an exciting new project I’ve come up with, and that I think you’ll want to get behind.

First, I want you to ask yourself a question, a really important question. Think about the world today. Think of all the injustice, the cruelty, the rich getting richer and the poor being kicked in the ditch. Think of religious extremism, political corruption, environmental carnage. Think of all the evil in the world. It seems pretty overwhelming, doesn’t it? “Yeah, but, Daniel,” you might say, “there’s too much, and anyway, that’s always been the way of the world. What can we do?”

What can we do?

We can destroy Cannes.

I know. I know what you’re thinking. “Gee, Daniel, why destroy Cannes? Doesn’t Ipanema deserve it more?” Well, yes. Yes, it does, but there’s already a crowd-funding campaign to build a giant robotic crab to smash Ipanema, which was going pretty well last time I looked, so . . . (gives thumbs-up, smiles) good work, guys! Hope that works out for you!

So, yeah, Cannes might not be the first place you think of as being a suppurating cyst of evil on the world’s flank, but it comes a damn close second, am I right? I mean look at it.

It is so smug. Do you know the history of Cannes? It doesn’t have one. Well, nothing worth spit. Some monks, a few Saracens, then rich folk notice it and it sucks up to them. Hey, you’d think it would have some history from World War II, wouldn’t you? Nope. It was—surprise, surprise—in Vichy France. What a coincidence.

Look at this. This is the official UN map of evil for the Mediterranean, graduated from one (“Not Evil”) all the way through to five (“Really Evil”). And, hey, lookit! There’s only one place on the coast that gets a five. Guess where? Don’t forget, this is an official map. It’s the real deal.

So, I guess you’re thinking about now, “Gee, Daniel, you’re right. Cannes really is a putrescent canker of elemental evil and it must be destroyed for the good of the rest of humanity, excepting those in Ipanema, Cleveland, and Slough, who’ll be getting theirs soon enough, donations permitting. But how can we help bring a much-deserved doom to this awful pit?”

Well, I’m glad you asked.

 


~ END EXCERPT ~

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