EXCERPT: Zippers by Derek Van Gorder

Derek Van Gorder is a writer, cameraman, and science fiction filmmaker based in NYC. For as long as he can remember he’s had a penchant for visual art, spaceships, and old-fashioned special effects. His most recent short film C (299,792 kilometers per second) was funded completely through Kickstarter, and became a Vimeo Staff Pick. It has since been featured on a variety of popular inter-web hubs, including Wired.com, Quiet Earth, and io9. He is currently plotting his next project.

ZIPPERS


Funded! This project was successfully funded on Feb 23.


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An innovative solution to entertainment-overload.

Project Goals

Blogosphere boredom? Twitter tired? Facebook fatigue? Instagram irritation? If you or someone you know is experiencing an acute or mild lack of awe or interest due to online content overexposure, one or two million doses of ZIPPERS may be all you need in order to revitalize your vital curiosity and wonder.

ZIPPERS is a beautiful new product on the bleeding edge of communication technology that will forever change the way you look at the internet, and yourself.

We humans are curious by nature. Expeditious! Exploratory! Inquisitive! To survive, we require ample servings of novel stimuli, the noveller the better, and as frequent as possible. But in this day and age, our collective sanity is threatened by the arrival of an unprecedented overabundance of media. Our senses dulled, our appreciation diminished, we stumble through a never-ending compendium of virtual worlds, dazed, confused, and gradually our minds grow hardened and stale. Dancing hamsters no longer amuse us, shark attacks have lost their bite, even the adorable kittens—whose laughter we once so cherished— now seem to mock us with their homogenous, monotone chuckles.

That’s where ZIPPERS comes in! Using a revolutionary new form of nano-neurotechnological infusion, ZIPPERS travels through myriad neural pathways directly into the cerebral cortex, enriching nerves, and fortifying them against decay. The process is near-instantaneous, and has consistently produced a 99-400% increase in feelings of joy, appreciation, wonder, even bliss.

Thousands of satisfied test subjects have attested to its success shortly before losing consciousness BUT THAT DOESN’T MATTER because you can try it for yourself.

In fact, you ARE trying it for yourself right now. That’s right! ZIPPERS requires no pesky pills or drops or suppositories because it can travel as particles of LIGHT ITSELF, directly from your screen, through your eyes, and into the brain where it belongs.

But read on, dear reader, for ZIPPERS needs your help. Developing ZIPPERS has incurred tremendous costs. Many brilliant and expensive scientists had to be tied and shipped, and the enormous underground facility in which the research was performed did not come cheap. These costs MUST BE RECOUPED.

Therefore, we have set a humble goal of nine hundred ($900) million dollars.

We accept payments through all major credit cards, PayPal, mortgages, business loans, gold bullion, nuclear power, cash, human labor, and industrial-scale quantities of steel (molten or otherwise).

What’s that you say? Why should I pay for ZIPPERS when it’s already operational and working on my brain right now? That’s exactly the kind of overly-critical / apathetic reaction that ZIPPERS was introduced to cure! Congratulations, you must be part of the control group.

NOW: scroll down and enjoy pretty colorful pictures of various small creatures.

 


~ END EXCERPT ~

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