Help Summon the Most Holy Folded One! by Harry Connolly

Harry Connolly’s debut novel, Child of Fire, was named to Publishers Weekly’s Best 100 Books of 2009 but everything for that particular series went downhill from there. He has also published noirish adventure fantasy in the now defunct Black Gate magazine. In the fall of 2013, Harry launched a successful Kickstarter to fund the publication of an epic fantasy trilogy, along with a short fiction collection and a pacifist urban fantasy. Harry lives in Seattle with his beloved wife, beloved son, and beloved library system. He can be found online at harryjconnolly.com

HELP SUMMON THE MOST HOLY FOLDED ONE!


Funded! This project was successfully funded on June 12.


 

218
Backers

$22,087
pledged of a $17,000 goal

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WITH YOUR HELP, WE’LL SUMMON THE MOST HOLY, PERFECT, AND ETERNAL FOLDED ONE: THE AVATAR OF THE TACO GOD. DURING THIS HOLY COMMUNION, WE’LL LEARN THE SECRETS OF TACO CREATION WHICH WE WILL THEN SHARE WITH YOU!

 

You’ve Heard The Experts

How many styles of taco are there? Not just fish/pork/beef/chicken, but also puffed, breakfast, even Chocotacos (if you can stand the very thought). There are disagreements over whether they should be made with corn or flour tortillas, whether they should be hard or soft, and whether they should be steamed, grilled, or fried. You’ve seen the recipes that were handed down through the generations and recipes that were created on the fly by some of the greatest chefs in the world.

Well, that’s not good enough for us.

What is the ultimate taco? What is the most perfect guacamole recipe? Perhaps more important of all: flour or corn?

Now Learn From The Greatest “Master Chef” Of All

We have acquired a small plot of land in New Mexico and have planted a special crop of heritage maize: No GMO, no pesticides, no industrial fertilizer. The land is being farmed the way it was 200 years ago, when campesinos worked the land with donkeys and hand plows.

What’s more, the seeds have been planted in a special design found only in El Libro de los Muertos. When the crop matures this fall, I will conduct a secret, sacred ritual to summon the Most Holy of Holies: The Folded One.

The God of Tacos.

During this most sacred communion, I will ask The Folded One to teach me recipes for the most perfect taco ingredients, then for the most perfect taco itself. Afterward, there need be no more silly disputes among the faithful! No more battling recipes or traditions. There will simply be a single ultimate taco and no grounds for people to argue.

About the recipe, I mean.

Why Support This Kickstarter?

As I mentioned above, the land has already been acquired and the seeds sown. The spoken part of the ritual, which will take three days of chanting and bodily movements, has already been memorized by me. Nearly everything is ready.

However, there are still a few odds and ends that need to be purchased and prepared: special pork fat candles, maize and jalapeno-based ink to record The Folded One’s pronouncements, the Robe of Husks, and many other things. Unfortunately, I can’t complete the summoning without these items and I can’t afford to buy them or take the time off work to make them myself.

With your support, I will complete the final steps to learn the ur-recipes of the Most Holy Taco, and then will share them with you.

Also included in the goal are funds to purchase a mobile temple to help spread the word of our sacred cause.

Who Am I?

You may have noticed the term “Exalted” in my name: that’s not an affectation. I’m the high-priest of The First Church of Carne Wisdom. I have dedicated my life to the pursuit of the most perfect taco. With your help, I believe I can achieve it.

• • • •


Pledge $1 or more

17 backers

CURIOUS ABOUT ENLIGHTENMENT: By pledging a single dollar, you’ll receive the electronic brochure (in pdf form, so please don’t complain) for the First Church of Carne Wisdom. You will also be signed up for our newsletter, which will include a calendar listing the dates and locations of our mobile temple, including when it might be coming to YOUR town.


Pledge $10 or more

3 backers

THE SATER OF APPETITES WATCHES OVER YOU: Receive all the benefits of the Curious level, plus a refrigerator magnet.


Pledge $25 or more

29 backers

SALSA OF THE GODS: Receive an electronic copy (in pdf—no complaining) of the salsa recipe of the Summoned God.


Pledge $55 or more

19 backers

ADOBO OF THE GODS: Along with the salsa recipe above, receive the recipe for the perfect adobo marinade.


Pledge $75 or more

36 backers

PICO DE GALLO OF THE GODS: As above, but along with the salsa and adobo recipes, receive the pico de gallo as well.


Pledge $120 or more

103 backers

GUAC OF THE GODS: This is it. The big one. At this level, you will not only receive the most perfect recipes for adobo, pico de gallo and salsa, you will also get your hands on the most excellent guacamole recipe in the universe. I promise you, my friends, this will be cosmic.


Pledge $1200 or more

4 backers

COMMUNE WITH THE MOST HOLY: All of the above, plus, we will arrange a mutually-agreeable date for our mobile temple to visit YOU so YOU can experience the most perfect taco in all of the universe. (Domestic only: let me apologize to the faithful outside the U.S. We can only bring the temple to locations within the 48 contiguous states.)


Pledge $20,000 or more

0 backers

BE SAVED: Join us on our pilgrimage! Become a holy priest of the most perfect Folded One, live in the mobile temple, and work to spread the word about our sacred cause!


• • • •

FAQ

So, the magnets are only for the $10 level?

Sorry about that. Clumsy wording on my part. Everyone who pledges at or above the $10 level will get a magnet. They’ll also receive the newsletter and e-brochure.

How involved will these recipes be? Will I have to, like, harvest avocados at midnight of a full moon or something?

That will be up to the Avatar. I am merely his messenger. 🙂

Why don’t you hold this ritual of yours in AMERICA? And why not, I don’t know, do a ritual for AMERICAN food like pizza?

(This was an actual question and I’ve received more than one like it.) I won’t be answering this question, or others like it, anymore. I will say that a) New Mexico is 100% American but b) pizza is not. If you want to summon a Pizza God or whatever out in Brooklyn, start your own Kickstarter for it.

What if there is no single perfect taco? What if “best” in tacos—or anything—is dependent on the season, the health of the Supplicant Eater, their cultural traditions, their personal tastes and digestive intolerances, and even their mood? What if your Taco God loves all tacos without judging them, even the Chocotaco?

Be warned: The First Church of Carne Wisdom is not a comfortable place for Unitarians.

• • • •

Comments

True American on May 13, 2015

Sater of Appetites? The Folded One?

Try instead: Emptier of Bowels.


Justin Side on May 13, 2015

The Opener of the Digestive Tract


True American on May 13, 2015

The Dark Thing That “Runs” In The Night


Creator CHRIS “EXALTED” CLARK on May 13, 2015

Okay, guys. You’ve had your fun. I’ve cancelled your pledges and banned you. Anyone else that tries this stuff will get the same.


Elder Devout on May 15, 2015

Chris, I can’t believe you’re going ahead with this ridiculous plan to summon Tacothulhu.


Creator CHRIS “EXALTED” CLARK on May 15, 2015

Oh God, Brad, here you are. Of course. I can’t believe you’re following me around on the internet just to rub my face in that awful false name. There is no such thing as “Tacothulhu.” You made it up. There is only “Tac’thulhu.” See? No “O.”


Elder Devout on May 15, 2015

Come back to us, Chris. The congregation would welcome you back. Melissa would welcome you back.


Creator CHRIS “EXALTED” CLARK on May 15, 2015

Melissa ejected me from her life the moment she allowed puffy tacos to enter it.


Shontay Jackson on May 17, 2015

What’s wrong with Chocotacos? They taste good!


Lainie Armstrong on May 19, 2015

So, how do you pronounce “Tac’thulhu”?”


• • • •

Update #1 • May 20, 2015

The Faithful are Tested!

Admittedly, the first week has been slower than I would have liked, but I’m not giving up! Is there a reward level you’d like to see me add? How about a recipe for turning masa into tortillas? Maybe a level where you get a physical press? Let me know in comments!

Update #2 • May 26, 2015

Be Enfolded by the Folded One!

Apparently, no one wants additional pledge levels because no one suggested any. But that’s okay! I continue to spread the word through every means at my disposal, trying to drum up interest.

It’s hard, you guys. My faith is unshakeable in the beneficence and wisdom of the Sater of Appetites and this is a true spiritual quest for me, but I need help.

For the dozen of you who have pledged in these first two weeks—even the ones who just wanted to leave a comment—thank you for your support, and please please help us spread the word.

• • • •

Comments

Elder Devout on May 27, 2015

Chris, did you really think you could fund this new church of yours this way? The World Congregation of Carne Wisdom awaits your return.


Creator CHRIS “EXALTED” CLARK on May 27, 2015

Don’t hold your breath, Brad. No, actually, please go ahead and hold your breath until your blaspheming soul escapes your body and sinks down to McNugget Hell.


Graciela Chan on June 1, 2015

You know, my grandmother has been making tacos all her life. Maybe you should talk to her instead. It sure wouldn’t cost you $17,000.


Shontay Jackson on June 1, 2015

I’m with Graciela. My boyfriend’s mom makes the best tacos on her backyard grill. She’s the one who ought to be running this thing. What makes you two boys such experts?


Creator CHRIS “EXALTED” CLARK on June 1, 2015

I have turned over my whole life to the study of tacos.


Shontay Jackson on June 1, 2015

Meaning?


Elder Devout on June 1, 2015

We spent the last 14 months working at Chipotle.


Creator CHRIS “EXALTED” CLARK on June 1, 2015

It’s 15 months for me, Brad. In case you forgot, I’m the one who got you that job!


Shontay Jackson on June 1, 2015

Oh my God.


• • • •

Update #3 • June 6, 2015

Don’t Let Our World Fall Into Damnation and McNuggets!

Well, we have less than a week to go and we haven’t hit 15% of goal yet. By all the usual metrics, that means we are going to fail. But we’re not bound by the usual metrics here! We can still succeed, with the grace of The Folded One. Come on, who wouldn’t like the ultimate salsa recipe, huh? Let’s spread the word!

• • • •

Comments

Elder Devout on June 6, 2015

Chris, you appear to have forgotten something important: Tacothulhu is not only called The Folded One. He’s also The Holder of Filling and the Filling That Is Held. He is legion and the greatest blasphemy of all is to assert that He can only have one avatar.

You’re searching for a single most-perfect form, but such a thing does not exist. Tacothulhu takes many forms and has many faces. Open yourself to them.


Creator CHRIS “EXALTED” CLARK on June 6, 2015

I pity you, Brad, just as I pity all those who have fallen into sin and damnation.


Arlo Glick on June 9, 2015

I’m just curious: What do you mean by “mobile temple?”


Creator CHRIS “EXALTED” CLARK on June 9, 2015

Once we have the ultimate recipes—some of which will be shared with our backers (and you’ll have to increase your pledge to get a copy of one, Arlo) and some kept as sacred texts—we will take our mobile temple around the country to spread the good news and the good food.


Arlo Glick on June 9, 2015

So, people will be able to get tacos from your mobile temple, right? Will you be giving these tacos away or will you be selling them?


Creator CHRIS “EXALTED” CLARK on June 9, 2015

Well, ingredients are expensive. Free tacos was going to be a big stretch goal, and to be honest, I was sure we would get there. Now I’m not sure what we are going to do. But yes, we would be forced to sell the tacos.


Arlo Glick on June 9, 2015

So this is for a fancy taco truck.


Elder Devout on June 9, 2015

It’s not going to be that fancy.


Creator CHRIS “EXALTED” CLARK on June 9, 2015

It’s not a taco truck. It’s going to be a mobile temple dedicated to spreading the word about Tac’thulhu, The Folded One. It’s going to be holy.


Graciela Chan on June 9, 2015

What’s going to be holy about it?


Creator CHRIS “EXALTED” CLARK on June 9, 2015

Well, the design. Also, there will be a statue of The Folded One mounted on top. I know a guy who works in fiberglass.


Graciela Chan on June 9, 2015

What will this image of . . . Tac’thulhu look like?


Creator CHRIS “EXALTED” CLARK on June 9, 2015

That depends on what I see at the summoning. Obviously.


Arlo Glick on June 9, 2015

So, this whole Kickstarter campaign is to create a “mobile temple” that operates like a taco truck, staffed by taco cultists working with totally ultimate taco recipes, with a huge God of Tacos mounted on top, and you’ll come to our house?


Creator CHRIS “EXALTED” CLARK on June 9, 2015

Dude, “cultist” is totally uncool.


Elder Devout on June 9, 2015

But not inaccurate.


Arlo Glick on June 9, 2015

But that’s a fair description?


Creator CHRIS “EXALTED” CLARK on June 9, 2015

Well . . . I guess . . . I guess it is.


Arlo Glick on June 9, 2015

Pledge upped to “Commune” level.


Graciela Chan on June 9, 2015

I wish I could afford the Commune level too, but I’m about to be evicted because I can’t pay my rent. I’ll have to settle for Salsa of the Gods.


Arlo Glick on June 9, 2015

BRB, I have to tell the whole world about this.


• • • •

Update #4 • June 12, 2015

All Praise The Folded One!

We did it! With just two hours left in our campaign we hit our goal and then we kept going! Thank you to everyone who believed in us and helped bring this about! Thank you especially to those who backed us without asking for a reward! The Folded One has blessed all of us—except the reformist fools in the World Congregation of Carne Wisdom! In your faces! HAH!

• • • •

Comments

Elder Devout on June 13, 2015

Be sure to ask about napkins.


• • • •

Update #5 • August 28, 2015

Tonight Is The Night!

Everything is prepared. Tonight I’ll perform the ritual and by this time tomorrow I expect to be able to share the Good News (and those excellent recipes) with all of YOU!

It would have been impossible without your support. Thank you all SO MUCH! All praise!

So blessed! SO EXCITED!

Update #6 • August 31, 2015

Harken, Mortal Meat

Consecrated are those who have offered treasure to the Most Great and High. Recorded are your names in the Book That Never Opens. The Folded One has chosen to grant, through his earthly avatar, his ultimate rewards to ALL backers. All will be joined with The Holder Of The Filling And The Filling That Is Held. All will become the most holy sacrament. All will transcend when they are devoured.

Just fill out the emailed questionnaire sent midnight past, taking care to record your address without error. Delays and errors are equally sacrilegious to the Eye. Furthermore, post office boxes are for blasphemers; none are permitted. The Most Holy Folded One is coming to sanctify YOU. Woe unto those who try to thwart the will of the Great Devourer.

All-Knowing is The Holder of The Filling. Insatiable is The Filling That Is Held. The Folded One is coming in person to reward your faithfulness with joyful oblivion. Gratitude is both compulsory and superfluous.