I Will Survive

I recently posted about this zombie survival quiz, but a few of the questions bugged me enough that I wanted to refute the quiz’s answers. I take issue with one of the questions–one asking which is best: a machete, baseball bat, crowbar, carpenter’s hammer, or lead pipe. The answer key reveals that crowbar is best, because it’s useful for other purposes (prying open doors, etc.), machete second.

I said baseball bat, which it ranks third, but I disagree with their assessment and I’ll tell you why. To a regular person like me, I think the baseball bat would be the best of these items to use as a weapon. Why? Because it’s familiar. I know how to use it and though I’ve never swung one at a person’s head, I understand how best to do so.

A crowbar’s pretty short for a melee weapon, especially when battling a foe that is trying to bite you. I can see why someone might rate a machete highly, but have you ever actually picked up a machete? I think they’re probably a lot harder to wield than you think they’d be, and there would be definite danger that you would do harm to yourself while wielding one.

The knock on the baseball bat was that it is not as durable as the others and doesn’t serve any other purpose. I assumed we were talking about an aluminum baseball bat–I don’t know why I assumed that, but I did–and, I don’t know, I think it would be pretty durable.

Similarly, I object to question 27 which asks which gun is best to loot from a gun shop: a handgun, assault rifle, shotgun, sub-machine gun, or a rifle. Again, I went with the practical choice for a regular person: the shotgun, because a shotgun requires the least amount of skill to be effective. (It advocates the rifles as being best, which would have been my second option.)

Another weapons question weighs the options of axe, katana, revolver, and knife, which I also disagree with: it says axe is the best option. True it has great stopping power and has other functions, but seriously, wood-chopping axes are not designed to be weapons, and I don’t think they’d work great as such. They’re poorly weighted for that purpose and I think the user’s lack of proficiency with it would make it a poor choice. I would choose revolver, despite the fact that it can run out of bullets. While they last, you can keep the zombies at a distance and while without skill you might not be able to kill any zombies at a distance, it’s a nice security blanket should one get very close–no one misses at point blank range.

Here are my results:

Physical Rating (physical survivability, endurance, and strength): B
Dr. Bizmoe says: "With a little more training and exercise, you’ll be ready for an undead outbreak."

Mental Rating (mental stability, endurance, and intelligence): C
Dr. Bizmoe says: "Your mental strength and intelligence are unremarkable."

Experience Rating (knowledge of outbreaks and how to deal with them): D
Dr. Bizmoe says: "You must have seen or heard of at least one zombie movie."

Emotional Rating (emotional integrity): F
Dr. Bizmoe says: "Your mantra is ‘Numbness is the path to survival.’"

Despite these somewhat mixed marks, my final grade is:

Total Survival Rank: A

Dr. Bizmoe says: "Barring some unforeseen cataclysm, you will survive and pass your invaluable experience and knowledge to future generations."