Paranormal Restraining Orders

Relentless undead got you down? Sick of the zombie hordes clawing at your doorstep? Afraid to go out at night because of a shambling stalker who just doesn’t get the message that you’re just not into brains? If so, it might just be time to get a paranormal restraining order.


For just $5, you can lay all your fears to rest. This legal document will require that all members of the living dead keep at least 100 yards away from you at all times. Or else.

If your concern is zombies, act fast–the judge presiding over zombie cases is only in session during the month of October. However, restraining orders against other supernatural annoyances, such as Bigfoot or Death, are available year-round.